Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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