it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
