We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
