If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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