I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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