How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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