you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
