i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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