i already hear my dad disowning me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and she was petting her beer can
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
