drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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