i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize