I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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