I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
