Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
