i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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