Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
