Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
