Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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