it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
