so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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