I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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