this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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