I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I think I just sharted jello shots
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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