I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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