i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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