I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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