Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
