i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
