i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
