Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
