I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
