just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
