Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
