Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
