Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
