Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
