He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
