I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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