The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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