If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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