So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
