My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
