How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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