i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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