I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
