I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
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His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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