I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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