I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
