Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
