drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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