Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
