the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
