Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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