OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
