Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
