M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
