Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
