she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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