I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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