Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
