you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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