I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
