Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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